from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
