Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
