Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
