oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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