OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
