k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
