I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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