Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
