Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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