i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize