So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
