My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
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