she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
