At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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