Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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