You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
