I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
