So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
