Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
