cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize