hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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