1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
