Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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