I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize