true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
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