I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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