I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
