i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Welp...herpes.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
