***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
well I can't set my house on fire every night
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
