Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I puked a lego.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
