I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
