All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
