Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
