why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
