god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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