i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
