a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
