I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
