I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i came on her dog
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
