Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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