we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
