very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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