If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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