How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
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