Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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