You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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