I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
