I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
