He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Operation Purity has been aborted
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
