Already got asked if we're dating
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize