Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
