Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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