i don't like sucking hair
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize