one word: firstdatebathroomanal
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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