Kiss
Puke
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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