i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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