I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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