I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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