a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
